Wednesday, March 10, 2010

End of the road for the 09/10 season

So safe to say the Wairarapa SJ didn't go that well. It was a nice little 1.10m track- very kind. Connie warmed up amazing, bounding over a 1.15m oxer in the warm-up no worries. Went into the ring and feel apart. never got the canter, never got the leg on. She jumped over the shoulder over 3 fences and then I retired. Perhaps I retired to soon, but seeing as I have never felt Connie ever jump like that, maybe I was justified. she had already punted out the first fence at with her knees so I guess there wasn't much to be gained by continuing.

One of my greatest strengths was that I always got it together in the ring and I don't anymore. And it sucks very hard. I'm just going to pieces. I do have depression and it is ruining my life as I know it. Obviously I'm starting a treatment program but it's too late now for Horse of the Year and the like so I have scratched from that. It will be the 6th year I miss it and I'm devastated as it was my goal of the season. It's a shame I didn't just break a leg, then being sidelined would have been easier to take. To stop because your head is messed up doesn't help with the messed up ness.

I'm really lucky to have some really nice horses, and I don't want my unconfident state of mind to get passed on to them. So I haven't turned them out as such, I plan to just ride for fun and to keep them ticking over. I may hunt a little, I may do a few winter shows if Teilcey runs them, I may even do some dressage ribbon days. I really want to do some Winter clinics with Grant Cashmore but mostly I want to find my happy again.


  1. I'm sorry about your rough season, Bex. I think it's a testament to your horsemanship that you're not trying to push through when you're not feeling up to it. I'm sure the girls won't mind having a cruisy winter and hopefully you can get everything sorted out for next season.

  2. Taking a step back may be just the thing to do - it sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself. Just be as kind to yourself as you can.

  3. I think you are a great rider. I read your blog and admire you for your skills. To be able to ride your 2 jumping horses the way you do, is amazing. I hope that you get to feeling better soon. Good Luck.

  4. I read your blog and I admire you for your skills. I think it is amazing how you ride your two jumping horses. I hope that you get to feeling better. Good Luck!

  5. Oh Beckz,

    I know it probably doesn't feel like it, but you have done the right thing by your horses. and, that in my book is ALWAYS the right thing. IF your head isn't 'on straight' you can't expect their's to be either. Kudos to you!

    Now, buck up, do what you have to do to get your head back in the game and knock 'em dead next season.

    Check out my blog... I think my post from yesterday is for you!


  6. I know first hand how much depression sucks. Try to remember that you will not feel this way forever, you will find a way to dig out of that black pit.

  7. Speaking from experience, depression sucks. But it is beatable and it is manageable. I was only 15 or so when I was diagnosed with clinical depression along with some anxiety problems.
    One big thing that really helped me get through was my horse at the time. I wasn't competing or anything though just cruising. But it was the one thing that would motivate me to get out of bed and the one thing that could actually put a smile on my face.
    If you can find something, anything at all that gives you even a glimmer of happiness, go for it.
    I know how shit you must be feeling right now as like I said, I've been there. If you want to have a chat you're more than welcome to send me an e-mail.
    Sending you good thoughts through the interwebz.

  8. Horse goals unfortunately involve horses, which means we can never really depend on them. It's a bummer you're missing your show (and therefore I won't get to read about it), but you need to take care of you. There's always next year.

  9. Awwh, mate. That is such bad news. But I agree with the others who said you probably made the best decision.
    I'm another one who battles depression so I have a pretty good idea where you're at. Hang in there, take the medicine if it helps, and hug a horse as often as you can.
    And feel free to email me too if you like. Remember you are not alone.

  10. Depression sucks, but you'll make it back better than before - much better!!! I am glad to hear you are choosing to take care of yourself - it's not always easy but you know that. Keep trying and never give up.

  11. My 2 are going like shit coming into HoY - the big mare recovering from injury, and the appy boy recovering from just being an idiot! I am taking them to HoY anyway - and have stocked the truck with so much wine that I won't care if it doesn't go well.

    Do the winter stuff, because it's a horrible feeling thinking you've spent so much time on the horses and got nothing. Make some goals for winter that don't relate to your usual on-season stuff (perhaps to do a L2 dressage test at an unreg day or something). Then take a good month off right before the season starts and come back for the 10/11 season fresh and excited.

  12. You have some great blogging mates ....and I know that plenty of people will be happy to support you through blogging. Stick with your horses. They are so theraputic and you will get back to competing. Just go back to small and comfotable. Get the enjoyment back .....much luck xx