Really pathetic sad face

I have been a bit sad lately, though I suspect I do this every Winter, because I'm not sure where my future is in equestrian. It's definitely hellishly expensive and while I quite like producing young horses, without competition I lose interest really quickly. Like really quickly. Its the motivation and the driving force in my riding. It's expensive and tiring and so stressful but I love it so much. Whether I actually have the temperament remains to be seen, I have a horrible feeling I'll never be brave enough, but while I feel like that, I will never be brave enough in one of those stupid conundrum things and a cycle I need to break. My partner says that I'm too smart for my own good, and I have had too many tumbles now to be really brave. It will come I just have to believe.

But anyway this year the crux of my mopeyness is horse power. I can still only dream of the big brave scopey jumper of my, well, dreams. I have had some amazing horses, though most have come already somewhat broken in terms of courage, I haven't ever really had a super scopey horses where you are like damn thats a freak. Well Butch is scopey as and could probably jump a 1*GP but he gets so fragile showjumping. He has once felt fragile and like he might fizz over once on XC after I hit him into the water but after two more jumps he just chilled right out again, whereas once he gets that way showjumping it's a hard ride until the flags, especially if you need to turn left. He wasnt like this as a seven yr old so it's something that has happened in the interim.

I love him and I happy to event him because it makes him happy but he still isnt the horse I dream of owning. Maybe I'm being selfish and mean and just a terrible person, but all I really really want with all my wantings is to showjump over huge fences. Ones that are terrifying. Though next season I'm definitely going to try harder to fix some of his issues a bit more instead of just accommodating him. Though that is going to be an exercise in tact!

So anyways, this little chap is Charlie the 4yr old schooler I have at the moment whom is far to smart for his own good.

And in a totally immodest photo montage of myself jumping bigger jumps to cheer myself up.

This is not such a big fence but with as difficult as the horse was I consider it a victory, this round was a hell of a ride.

There you go the highlights of a showjumping career 12 years long. The biggest fences are 1.25m or between 1.20m-1.30m depending on the class which is pretty big hey, the smallest is 1.05m. It's quite nice all together. Only another 15cm and I can jump a 1star GP but thats a huge 15cm. I just have to keep working and training and competing and one day when I have money I can buy my dream horse. Like this one- Cumano:

Still, looking through it, I am at least still progressing and thats half of the battle. It's just Winter, and Spring will be here soon and I'll be eventing and showjumping and everything will be better, because at least I will feel like I'm working towards something again.