Am I scared to jump?!

I am at least riding a bit more now, my little horse is making god progress with his flat work though he is unbelievably fat, especially considering how long it took me to get him up to weight after buying him. Its incredibly dry here now, and the ground is very hard. I guess I'm turning into a bit of an arena baby, because I feel mean working him on hard ground, even though he lives on it anyway, and when there weren't so many arenas around I worked them on hard ground all Summer without any issues. I don't think its such a problem providing their legs are harden off, with hacking and low intensity work. That being said, I wouldn't jump on this ground. I have even been at my old bosses riding the odd horse here and there, which is good because my balance and fitness have suffered some.

He is a funny horse to work, he always wants to travel kinked slightly to the right, so he is quite blocked in all his lateral work to the right, so that's a good little issue for me to continue working on, that and getting him in front of my leg. He is so lazy, its hard to believe he ever won money on the track. He hates hacking but I make him go. Once the third horse is picked up from the grazing I might just ride Kate the old boot and take him out on the lead, in the hopes he will enjoy himself more. He just lacks confidence and gets quite shut down and then on the way home he is very naughty. Never had a horse who doesn't look around just keeps his head straight in front of him and then looks for dragons. Very strange.

What is also strange is my lack of desire to jump. Also driven by my lack of transport though, but yea definitely feel like I cant jump a horse anymore. It's been so long Im sure my eye wont exist anymore. I have never been a brave rider, and maybe I'll never jump again. I sort of want to try other things, maybe go on a trek (even though I say this and then when I go trekking I absolutely hate I because its boring). I'd like to dabble in some dressage, maybe even get a few lessons when I have some money to spare. Or I'll suck it up and take him for a jump, because he is a super promising jumper. Damn it. How can a sport I lived and breathed for 14 years suddenly seem both daunting and not so important.
There is currently a huge amount of trouble within the NZ jumping board and there has been restructuring and rule changes that have really turned me off the sport as well. I'm not inclined to give them my hard earnt money when they are all being a pack of petty unorganised jerks.

Maybe I'll find something local to go play at. Sigh, life.