Had a bad week with the black dog nipping at my ankles. The citalopram mostly masks my depression but the black dog is often there in the background, mostly just on the very edge of life. I have been doing so well but with life come ups and downs no doubt. Partly it is post show let down (PS Yes Sharon La Bella Vida is Connie- if you are at shows also keep an ear out for Kentucky Kate, Lynchberg SP and High Voltage. Thank you also for saying I don't ride like a monkey lol!)
Times like these I like to pick up my psychology for riders workbook and do some reading. I think I'm not too bad once I'm actually in the ring- I can stay in the moment and forget the fence previous and focus on only the fence a head and the quality of the horses canter, but I definitely can sabotage myself at the in gate, the course walk, the practice fence and other times. I'm certainly getting better, but having self belief seems almost arrogant and stuck up. It's scary to think would people would say if I did start being successful, but also entirely irrelevant because this is my dream and really it only matters what I think and do. What would they say anyway I have done it all nearly off of my own bat. Damn me for being successful on horses I produced myself is about the worst ammunition they would have. I'm better than feeling like this, i have no reason to feel like this, I know it will pass and the black dog will be reduced to a whimper. I had to say I was amused when someone said to me at the show it must be nice having money after I said I had nearly complete sets of gear for each horse competing. I was just like yea it works that way when you work 19 days without a day off.
Rascal has managed to get a tiny wee cut on her back leg and then got massively swollen. Gave her antibiotics today. It's no big deal but she may miss the next show and if she doesn't I need to get a drug dispensation I guess. It should be a smaller show with Rotorua show being on the same weekend but i'm excited/nervous to be jumping indoors. Lordy knows how Kate will cope with that sort of atmosphere but it's ok I'm a good enough rider to cope with it < positive affirmation :).
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You know what I love about this blog? How honest and open you are about everything.
ReplyDeleteYou talk about your demons and your hopes and successes in turn.
And you are a great rider, self belief is not conceited or stuck up, but if it was I would still own it! :)
I too know about the black dog .....it nips at the heels of my Dad constantly ....sitting on top of him recently after his cancer operation. I've lived with it for the past 30 odd years. I see him struggle and understand how it can be hard to get it to sit and behave (isn't the book good!!!)
ReplyDeleteKeep up with the positive affirmations ...you're a great rider who works hard and deserves all the good in the world. I enjoy reading about how you are getting on .....smiles from the Naki