Thornton beach on our trip away. Thats Kate's ears and the tracks are from our previous rides.
2 months into the season and I'm already tired. I have never shown this hard, and I am concerned that perhaps I am pushing myself and the horses too hard. Though of course this is how I always wanted to show, on the circuit every weekend. The progress I have made over the winter and the start of the season has been unreal and really proven how confidence is such a big factor in showjumping. I'm technically no better of a rider than last season when I was stuck in the 1m classes, but because I think I can jump bigger I can. I haven't even jumped a 1m class this season, bar the one at Pukahu on Fido.
Connie is just jumping unreal, I know my parents are rapt. I have been teased so much about this horse, especially when she first came out, obese and ungainly and oh so reluctant to go forward, but now I hear all the time how nicely she is jumping and that's a really nice feeling. I have always known Connie is a good horse, because to me she feels like a good horse. I'm a bit disappointed with the stops on Kate and this general feeling that I don't ride her well enough, but Kate is bigger, more sensitive and more powerful. She doesn't forgive me my errors like Connie does but at the same tim she has covered my ass more than once, I just want to ride her better so everyone else can see what a nice horse she is as well.
Life is hard and a bit lonely. I miss my ex, who was of course my best friend, but make a special effort to go and meet people, even though it adds to my already punishing schedule. Full time work and working the horses doesn't leave much time for anything else, and I really need to get the truck cleaned and about 6 loads of washing done before the weekend. Some days I start at 6am and literally don't stop until 2 for a break, especially now I'm trying to get a horse worked between the end of milking and the mating of the heifers and feeding out Palm Kernal to the cows. Though I think I'm losing some weight which is a bonus. Being on the farm is of itself quite lonely, because there just aren't a lot of people around, and I do miss the social interaction. That and being dumped has left me breathless, even after 4 months, so to lose myself in the riding and work isn't always a bad thing.
I'm scared also though. I'm really truly scared. It was a little bit after this time last year that my depression started spiraling out of control, and I'm so afraid it's going to happen again, despite the drugs and everything. I don't want to go to pieces again and I don't want to feel worthless and that everyone would be better off without me again. I don't want to go back into that black hole where nothing means anything, and you feel nothing but numb. I'm doing so well. So well so far despite the fact that 2010 is definitely a year I wont be sad to see the back of.
Still the schedule is as follows- Central Hawkes bay next fri/sat
- Wanganui next sun
- Gladstone sports- following sat (I hope to have Bill at this one)
- North Islands following fri-sun
- A rest! Not for me I'll be working but for the horses, because I don't want to jump indoors at Feilding. I may pick up a small local show if there is one.
- Taupo Christmas Classic 16th-19th- Connies first 1.20m!
Please let me have got more organised and be jumping clears at the bigger heights. Woot.
S
Your schedule and commitment is amazing. You really do sound a lot better than you did last year; you're more able to take mistakes in stride and less likely to blame yourself constantly for it. Of course, I've never met you, but you don't sound the same, which is good.
ReplyDeleteHang in there! You can do it.
I agree with Sprinkler Bandit. You sound tougher, more together and more confident in what you can do. Exhaustion can play tricks with your mind. I think that your main problems are exhaustion and loneliness. Don't write yourself off. Remember there was a time when you sometimes didn't even make it into the ring on account of your nerves. You have come so far since then. It's fantastic what you have achieved.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are doing great to me - making the dream a reality and figuring out the reality of the dream. You should be super proud of yourself.
ReplyDeleteOh boy I'm with the others in their comments. I have followed your weekly achievements for some time now and while I too haven't met you in person I think you're going great. I have a very close friend and father who suffer from depression and I think you have a huge advantage over them in that you have been open about it .....maybe more so now than before. Its a huge healing tool - to communicate.Be kind to yourself and if you ever want a fan club on the sideline let us know
ReplyDeletei can't say much that the others haven't said, but on a completely different note, apparently us kiwis are 5 times more susceptible to depression because of the lack of selenium in our diets. it can make our ponies depressed too, i actually found this out in a horse nutrition seminar. maybe getting more selenium in your diet will help perk you up along with your online fan club, of which i am definitely part of! i'm not saying that's the cause at all, but just a little thing i heard not so long ago ☺
ReplyDeletehope you're feeling happier after a good sleep, i know i'm always exhausted after one weekend of competing, your such a soldier and deserve all your successes this season :)