Friday, August 13, 2010

Dream on

If I'm honest, and my friends will tell you I often am, I would say that the loss of my relationship of the past five years has really rocked my equilibrium. I know that this is THAT relationship of my twenties that doesn't last but I did think I had found my forever partner only to find that this is not the case, because he doesn't love me anymore.

I have always dreamed of being a top showjumper. I have a myriad of skills that I can do OK. I'm an OK artist, an OK singer, I'm an OK scholar, and an OK athlete. I'm your general over achiever. My friends hate me for my ability to turn out an A worthy essay in only 3 days, and thats at post graduate level. The only thing that my passion has ever lasted for is riding. there is something about being on the back of a horse that makes the world feel ok, despite the fact when I'm not riding it all feels a bit broken. I'm a good rider. I'm a really good rider. If I believed in myself more I could be a great rider. I have a shit ton of feel, great timing and a natural eye to a fence. But I always second guess myself.

Sometimes it feels like I have given up a lot for my riding. I'm isolated from my friends, have made no effort to further my career, and I'm working for, and living with, my parents solely so I can ride. And without their steadfast support (despite my lack of results) I couldn't do it at all. I'm blessed to be in NZ where I can afford to even compete like I do. I could never afford it in the US or Europe.

This season is the litmus test. If I can't make an improvement this year- either jumping 1.30m or having a good showing in the Amateur series I;m going to sell all but one of the horses and probably go back to school, knowing that at least I made a shot at my dream which is more than a lot of people can say. Anyway, the whole point of this longwinded and wine induced post, is to share a poem that right now when it feels like I'm broken into a million pieces helps me keep looking forward.

When things go wrong as they sometimes will;
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill;
When funds are low, and debts are high
And you want to smile and have to sigh;
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must but do not quit

Success is failure turned inside out;
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt;
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-
It when things go wrong that you must not quit.

"Don't Quit"
Author unknown


  1. I totally sympathise with the down time after broken relationship as it happened to me too in my twenties. However, and thankfully, what seems the end at the time is only the beginning in the grand scheme of things.
    There is someone out there who will bring the best out of you...Don't give up.
    Take care and all the best whatever you decide!

  2. I'm sorry to hear about all the things that have falling apart. Just remember you have tons of friends and you are an AWESOME horseback rider. I always enjoy reading your blog. I think you are great!!!! Hang in there. Things will change.

  3. Don't be too hard on yourself. I'm a horse 'lifer' (aka "one of those crazy people trying to make a living at this), and I can relate to absolutely everything you just said. Only, I haven't gone above the 1.10m in competition. So don't give up, it could always be worse! Sometimes these things take a loooong time to come together, but it's always worth it, as long as you're happy each day you're doing it:)

  4. Please don't be so hard on yourself. I am 46 and have never so much as even competed at a gymkhana. Not even the fattest horse class. That said, I have decided that I will do eventing at the FEI level. Stick true to your dreams. Live it, breathe it, visualise your ambitions. It seems to me that you might have a horse talent problem. I also suggest offering to ride other people's horses. Stick it out. Don't get to the age of 46 and wish that you had made more of an effort in your twenties. Please believe me. I speak from experience. It's not impossible to restart in your forties, but it's sure is a lot harder. Don't miss out on your current opportunity.

  5. Thanks everyone for your kind words.

    Kippen, I don't really lack horse power I just am not riding them well enough, to get what they are capable out of them. I have one maybe two horses capable of the 1.30m classes now I just have to go do it.I am thinking of getting a job riding but they are fairly limited in NZ

  6. Beckz I just want to say that a relationship in you 30s is sometimes a more beautiful thing. So many of us have thought we had the magic one to spend the rest of our days with in our 20's when reality is it happens when we hit 30 rather than 20. You have an exciting summer season ahead. If you ever want moral support / groom I'm sure many of us would love to be a support crew.Chin up and as I type I toast your season ahead with the wine in my glass

  7. Hi Beckz,

    I admire your honesty. That problem must be driving you potty. Do you buy and sell horses? I don't know the horse market in NZ, but here in Australia, there seems to be a big market for reliable (though less talented) horses for inter-school competitions and Adult Riding Club. To get to the top, sadly a lot of horses must come and go in your life. Both in the quest to make a living and in the quest to find the horse that will take you to the top. When you do find the horse that takes you to the top, you will almost certainly have to take the good money that will be on offer for this horse. You can use that money to set yourself up. To further your experience and to have a chance to improve your riding, you may have to offer to work in exchange for lessons. It takes more than feel to ride a horse successfully in competition. It needs technical skill too. The reason that I am so aware of this is because that is my major flaw too. I hope that I don't sound harsh because I really do want you to succeed.